Meeting Boston

Our "typical" Wednesday started with a slow morning at home. It was actually extra slow and extra sweet...dancing and Nutella toast were both involved. :) Later I took Brooks to preschool, and while he was there, Ava tagged along for my--hopefully last--OB appointment for this baby growing in my belly. He or she was looking great, and I was just looking [and feeling] 39 weeks pregnant. ;)

After that appointment Ava and I enjoyed a quick target run together, then grabbed Brooks after preschool...to go home?...Or more grocery shopping? Well, I chose the latter. I had plenty of things needing to be checked of the to-get list for baby's arrival. Procrastination is my middle name. It was while shopping that I felt contractions. At first I assumed they were just the strong Braxton hicks I had been feeling the past few week...but then they started happening in my lower stomach, they were getting stronger and just 10 minutes apart. Could this really be happening??

I called Adam as I was loading the groceries in the car...telling him the contractions were closer together and much lower than I've felt before. And we should plan to go to the hospital tonight to check things out. :) Part of me was giddy on the drive home, but a another part of me was thinking, "Wait little one, please! Just a few more days!" I still had some things to get done and clean at the house, items to buy, my bag to pack, and I was mentally and emotionally prepared and looking forward to enjoying "one last weekend" with my little family of 4, and a date night with Adam. I felt sad I was being so selfish, but goodness those feelings wouldn't go away.

After getting home, putting away the groceries, and showering, with plenty of contractions through it all, I called my mom. I told her this could be it! And through tears I asked for her to pray for me. Anxiety and the fear of not feeling totally prepared was smothering me. And I'm not even the always-prepared type! That angel woman shared encouraging words, and told me she'd book a flight to come Friday, which was such a relief.

Later, while Adam was putting the kids to bed and I was packing my bag for the hospital, thoughts of doubt in my ability to mother THREE children had crept into my mind and I wanted those thoughts out! I stopped and knelt to pray, practically begging Heavenly Father for comfort and strength. I heard my three loves laughing in the kids' bedroom. :) And an incredible feeling of calm washed over me. It was all going to be okay...the house didn't have to perfectly clean, I may not get my "last weekend" but instead I'll be enjoying my "first weekend" with our new family of 5, and I'm not a perfect mom but I'm doing my best. This baby would come home to a family that was ready to love and cherish him/her, and that's all this baby really needs. Well, that and a few fresh diapers and mama's milk. ;) The excitement I had felt through my pregnancy was back and I could hardly wait to meet this little boy or girl!!

Adam's sweet mom came just before 10:00 and we headed to the hospital, knowing Brooks and Ava were in the best hands. On the drive there, we shared our final guesses as to who this babe was...we both said girl. Upon getting to the hospital, we found that a room had been made ready and waiting for me, thanks Doc! :) I was at a 4 and fully effaced. The contractions were staying consistent (now less than 5 minutes apart) and, like Ava's birth, focusing on my breathing helped me get through each one.

I was anxious to know how I was progressing so my nurse checked me again (laying down for those checks made for some HARD contractions) and I was now 7 cm dilated. In between contractions I could feel baby moving...and I was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness knowing how much I'd miss being pregnant. This go-around giving birth I was buckled down tight on an emotional roller coaster! But Adam put a smile on my face by talking about how awesome it's going to be when we finally hold our son or daughter. That desire to meet our babe and find out if it is a boy or girl has given me extra motivation to get through the contractions and push harder--with all three of my births.

Midnight came and went and I felt like pushing was right around the corner. I asked my doctor to break my water (it doesn't break on its own) and as soon as he did that a wave of contractions came, and came hard. Within minutes I told them I needed to push...at 12:18am, with everything I had, I focused low, and pushed..."There's a head!" the doctor said. To say I was shocked was an understatement! I took a few breaths and pushed again..."It's a boy!!" Adam said! I could hear the joy and some laughter in his voice (remember, we had both guessed girl;) but I couldn't get my eyes to open for what felt like eternity, shock maybe? But when I did, oh my goodness it was LOVE. Heaven and Earth touched, and our BOY was here.

Our doctor handed him to me and with tears in my eyes I said something like, "Hey little guy, you sure are messy. Goodness I love you!" Haha ;) I kissed him and snuggled his tiny body, looked at his Dad, and soaked in the euphoric feeling that WE DID IT. There's nothing like it! After the umbilical cord stopped pumping, Adam cut it, and they took our little boy to be measured, weighed, and get prints of those tiny feet. :) He was 6 lbs 13 oz and 19 inches long. He was calm during all of that, and then came over to cozy up with mama. That first feeding, with Adam by my side...I'll treasure it forever.

My two handsome boys went off so the littler one could get his first "bath" and then they met me in the room we'd be staying in the next few days. Adam headed home to get a good night's rest, I stayed and enjoyed the magic of our first middle of the night feeding (trying to enjoy those still, but it's getting harder, haha). I went to sleep looking forward to introducing Brooks and Ava to their new baby brother in the morning!

When they came I was so so excited to see them and squeeze their little, but not-so-little-now-compared-to-baby-brother, bodies! And they were happy to be with Mom. :) Dad and I introduced them to their brother, Ava was more than excited to snuggle the "Beebee!" I suspected that, she's always been a little mama. We giggled and counted his toes and found his tiny nose. I was in heaven! Brooks just wanted Dad at this time and was very hesitant. I could see he was almost getting upset and not wanting anything to do with the baby. It was then I remembered I had a tiny "gift from baby" for them. I pulled out two Pez Candy toys  and told them their little brother wanted to give these to them. Brooks was thrilled with his Buzz Lightyear Pez, and I think it warmed him up to our new addition. ;) His little heart melted a bit, and watching him be so tender with his brother was magic! Adam helped Brooks be "so careful" with the baby, Ava was coloring, I was beyond content watching it all, and in that moment our little family was complete. I'm so glad I have these photos--physical records of memories I'll never forget.

It took us a week to decide on his name...Boston Karl Kjar. Karl after my Dad, a man whose footsteps we hope Boston follow in. :)

Now, it hasn't been easy adjusting to to caring for three little ones at home. If it wasn't for Brooks' preschool, I'm pretty sure days would go by without us leaving the house. But we take things one day at a time, and we are SO happy our Boston is here. Brooks and Ava have been incredible with him...kisses and snuggles around the clock. We love you sweet boy!!

*** And a huge thank you to Malissa Mabey for taking these photos! They are treasures to me.

Bumping

I've abandoned this poor blog of mine (it's Instagram's fault, haha)...but LOTS has happened since my last update. Biggest and best: we added another member to our family! But before I can share details on that little miracle, here are some awesome and awkward memories from my pregnancy. :)

Awkward: 
- Losing my breathe when tieing shoes and buckling sandals, or bending down to do anything really. ;)
- Feeling like my ya-hoo is going to fall off due to funky pressure "downstairs". Umm. Tmi? Not sure how else to explain it.
- Trying to squeeze past someone, thinking there's enough room and definitely forgetting my width, so I bump them with my bump. Oops.
- Being asked by a stranger at the park if I was going to have a boy. I answer, "We'll see! We like to wait and be surprised. What makes you think boy?" She looked down at my ankles, "Oh, you're swollen." Well, thanks.
- Squatting down to pick up the receipt I was handed then dropped, and feeling the crotch of my pants rip. Greeeaaaaat.
 - Walking out of the doctor's office with splotches of the belly-jelly (ultrasound gel) on my shirt. I was feeling all sorts of classy.
- Much of the time I walked around like an old woman because of my intense lower back pain. I won't miss that.

 Awesome:
- Feeling and watching the baby kick and stretch in my belly. Never loses its magic!
- Brooks turned 2 the week before his little sister was born, so he wasn't really aware of what was happening...but this go-around he's much more excited about baby brother or sister! And I think it's rubbing off on Ava. :)
- Knowing Brooks' or Ava's clothes will be used by this second boy or girl!
- Closing my eyes and imagining bringing this babe into the world. I treasure my experiences giving birth, and my heart can hardly wait to open up and feel love for another little one after laboring to get him or her here.
- I was nervous to be pregnant through the summer, but it hasn't been as dreadfully hot as I expected. Plus I don't have to suck in for even a second in my swim suit. Haha, I'm ridiculous. ;)
- Brooks and Ava love to feel the baby move (okay, sometimes I move it so they think it's the baby;) I get to watch them get so excited, and then I feel their bellies. Sweetest back and forth interaction. :)
- I had this little "vision" of Brooks and Ava helping me rub lotion on our freshly bathed babe...it was a boy, and his little arms and legs were wiggling around and big brother and sister were giggling the whole time.

The babe's birth story will be coming tomorrow. Feeling beyond blessed thinking back. :)

2 // 2 // 2

It has been 2 months and 2 days that I've been a mother of 2.

...I've witnessed, for the second time, that my heart has grown to deeply love another person, a tiny baby girl who is half Adam and half me, more than I can say.

...I have come to find that 3 people (an adult, toddler, and baby) can manage to fit pretty well on a rocking chair together.

...I have been proud of myself for working through my anxiety of breast feeding while out and about and around other people. As long as they're comfortable, I'm comfortable. :)

...I have seen my sweet husband be the most amazing father. Adam can be wild and crazy with Brooks, and then knows when to change gears and be so tender and calm with Ava. Except when she's hungry and fussy, then he gets a little nervous. ;)

...I learned that it's actually pretty hilarious when, while nursing Ava, my sassy little Brooks managed to swipe one of my Lily Padz and put it on his head like a yamaka. ha!

...I've seen Ava smile more and more every day. Such a beautiful smile that girl has.

...I have learned that if I had three wishes for a magic genie, one of them would definitely be to have more than two arms.

...I have officially become numb to the grossness of diapers. When Ava was still in the tiny newborn diapers, I told Adam, "Hey love, just throwin' it out there...couldn't you say Ava's diapers are 'bite-size' and Brooks' are 'king-size'?" Yow-za.

...I've been so grateful for Brooks' independent spirit that has helped him be okay with doing his own thing when I need to take care of Ava.

...I've been grateful for a hard working husband who's patient and understanding of me. He'll ask how my day was, and sometimes it goes something like this... "Ava cried a lot today, and my back kills because she wouldn't let me put her down. Oh, and Brooks had a melt down at the grocery store's parking lot...don't worry though, another sweet mother I don't know offered him cheez-its and a juice box and he was all sorts of chipper after.  So after a good long nap for all 3 of us, we just watched movies and relaxed the rest of the day. I'm sorry the laundry isn't folded and dinner isn't ready." To which he'll reply, "Let's make some of your awesome turkey avocado sandwiches for dinner, and then I'll rub your back while we watch a movie." My kinda man.

...going on a walk to get some frozen yogurt, while wearing baby Ava in the Moby wrap and pushing Brooks in the stroller, hits the spot. Every. Time.

...my heart continues to melt daily when Brooks wants to hold his little sister. He likes to lay down, then have me lay her next to him, with his arm out and under her head. :)

...taking a long, hot shower (which does not happen very often) has become like 15 glorious minutes in a spa.

...I've learned that in no way, shape, or form are girls guaranteed to be more feminine or dainty. Ava's toots and burps are barbaric. Haha!

...I think that yellow and blue are my favorite colors to put my baby girl in.

...I was more than okay when the other night was just a frozen-pizza-kind-of-night. DiGiorno and Frescetta how I love you.

...I now know that we weren't doing "round 2" of the baby thing...it was "round 1" again.  Ava is so different than Brooks was when he was a new babe...she's not quite as easy, but definitely just as sweet. :)

...I have learned that co-sleeping is okay...and I actually kind of love it.  But within the next week or two we'll be working on her sleeping in her bassinet. Let's hope I, oops I mean she, can do it. ;)

...a sock bun has been on top of my head 5 days of the week.

...my lack of sleep makes me do crazy things. Like answer the door with my baby girl on my right shoulder, exposing my left side that was covered but oh-so obviously not "hooked up"...dang you nursing bra.

...that lack of sleep just mentioned also made me care even less than I would have before that my son, standing next to me when I answered the door, was still in PJs and had jam all over his face, at 3 in the afternoon.

...I've learned even more that it's okay to just cry. Letting go of a few tears, or a whole bunch of tears, can do wonders for my heart and mind.

...I've depended on prayer more than ever...especially in those moments, that happen all too often, when I feel overwhelmed and under qualified.

...getting out and spending time with friends and their little ones on a regular basis is a necessity. I love being able to  see my boy play, and I enjoy good conversation. Win-win!

...comparing myself and trying to measure up to other mothers gets me absolutely no where. Same thing with comparing my children to other little ones. We're all different, and our various strengths and weaknesses compliment each other, just how it should be. :)

{ my sister took these pictures on the first Sunday Ava was home...I'll treasure them forever }

Oh and look what came in the mail today!
A belated Mother's Day gift from my sweetheart...I absolutely LOVE it.
Thank you Adam. I love you, and I'm so glad Brooks and Ava are ours forever.

The day we met Ava...

I should have been sleeping, but I wanted to write Ava's birth story while it was still clear and fresh in my mind.  I really couldn't sleep anyway...I was on this happy-high from finally being able to meet, hold, and love on our baby I'd been carrying for 40 weeks. :)  This past week I took time here and there to make some corrections, and loved recounting the day we met our Ava girl.

Written: Thursday, March 22nd, 2012

Tuesday night Adam and I went to bed just before 11:00pm. We fell sleep hoping and praying this would be the last night before meeting our baby. If the baby didn't come Wednesday the plan was that at 6:30am on Thursday morning my doctor would break my water to help things move along. But I can't even say how many prayers were said that this little baby would come on its own. I so badly wanted the birth to start and end as naturally as possible.  But being that we made it to the hospital to have our son Brooks with only 25 minutes to spare, and my water didn't break 'til I was pushing, I had decided, if needs be, it would be okay that they broke my water to ensure I'd be at the hospital when this baby came.

Not much more than an hour after falling asleep, I got up to go to the bathroom. The past few weeks my nights had included at least 3 bathroom trips, so this wasn’t much of a surprise. But when 5am rolled around and I had been getting up to go every 30-45 minutes or so, with some nice little contractions on my walk from my bed to the lou, I was getting really discouraged. “Why can I not get some decent sleep tonight? I need it so, so badly.” Now looking back, those contractions were not exactly little. I must have physically and mentally tuned them out because I just wanted to get to the bathroom, do my thing, then get back to bed without really waking up.

  

Well, at 5:22am I really woke up and realized I was breathing with my lips pursed to get through a contraction…I've got to time this thing, I thought. It lasted about 30 seconds. Then another followed right behind it less than 5 minutes later. I waited for one more…it came. This is it!

I knew we’d be calling Adam’s sweet Mom to come and stay with Brooks while we went to the hospital, so I got up and went into the kitchen…set out some cheerios, oatmeal, brown sugar, bananas, bread, the toaster, and bowls…that way she’d have plenty of options for what to give Little B for breakfast when he woke up. :) Then I grabbed a fresh pair of Little B's jeans from the dryer and his “BIG brother” t-shirt for her to dress him in when they’d come to the hospital.

Around 5:45am I went back to our bedroom, looked at my sweet husband sleeping in bed, then gave his arm a good squeeze and said, in the most excited whisper ever, “Adam, Adam this is happening!”

He looked at me with drowsy eyes, then threw back his covers and got right up. Adam texted my doctor, then gathered some personal things while calling his parents, and I added some last minute items to my packed hospital bag and freshened up. I also called Adam’s sweet cousin Malissa to let her know I was having contractions and this was really happening…she would be helping photograph the birth story of this baby, and said she’d be out the door in minutes to meet us there. By this time, I was still having strong contractions 4-5 minutes apart…very similar to the ones I had at home just before Brooks’ birth; I felt best walking around, on my tip toes, with my hands on my hips, and taking deep breaths in and out, in and out.

Mama Kjar arrived just after 6:00am. We explained a few things with Brooks’ schedule, and gave her lots of hugs in between…I hope I told her “thank you” enough. It felt wonderful to know our little boy would be in the good and loving hands of his Grandma Kjar as we left, for who knew how long, to go have this baby.

On our drive to the hospital, which is just a short 15 minutes away (we got there in 10, thank goodness because having to sit through three contractions was horrible) Adam and I held hands. Sorry love if I held a little tighter than normal. ;) Oh I love that man. And I was so grateful I knew he’d be with me every step of the way to get our baby here. We talked about how we couldn't wait to finally find out if we'll have a little Boston or Ava...and guessed what time he or she would be born.  I think I said 9:52am and he said 9:30-something. With my other available hand, I texted my Mom and Dad to let them know the exciting news that we were on our way to the hospital!…I didn’t call them because my Mom was planning to leave later that morning to make the long drive from Washington to Utah, and she needed her rest, but I knew I’d call after we got checked-in and knew how far I had progressed.

At about 6:25am we arrived at the hospital. It's hard to describe the feelings I had as we pulled in. Mostly I felt completely exhilarated...we were here to have our baby! :)  But of course, because I'm a worrier, thoughts of it not happening the way I hoped or planned crept in my mind, or much worse, that there would be complications with the baby.  I had to push those negative thoughts out though and just remember that I can do this!  My body was meant for this, and soon the pain would be over and my baby would be in my arms.  If there were complications, we were surrounded by knowledgeable nurses and doctors. And what ever was meant to happen, would happen.  I said a tiny prayer for strength and comfort, and I got the most overwhelming feeling of my Savior's love for me and this baby.

Adam parked the car and seconds later I finished a contraction, so I knew I’d have at least a couple minutes of “rest” to be able to walk up to the labor and delivery floor. We took the elevator up, and when we reached the nurses' desk one of them said with a smile, “Oh! Your doctor beat you hear.” That made made me feel so relieved because Dr. Meek barely made it to deliver Brooks; our fault, not his. We walked to the delivery room, and after taking a "before" photo of my pregnant belly, I changed into my hospital gown and got hooked-up to the monitors so we could hear the baby’s heartbeat (best. sound. ever.).  The nurse then checked me. “Oh wow. Yep, you’re a 7.” YES! This really was happening!! Adam and I looked at each other with probably the cheesiest, happiest smiles, because we knew we were going to meet our baby boy or girl, and soon! The smile on my face quickly changed and I closed my eyes and grabbed onto Adam's arm and the rail on the bed as I breathed through a very hard contraction. In through the nose, out through the mouth…in through the nose, out through the mouth. Long, steady breaths and remembering that there would be an end to this pain helped me stay in control as the contractions got harder and closer together. 

Then Malissa arrived! “I’m a seven!” I told her. And, like my reply to the news, she said, “YES!” and quickly took out her camera and lenses…it felt so nice to know Adam and I could just do our thing and know she’d be capturing such incredible moments that hadn’t even happened, but we knew were going to be so precious to us.

In between a set of contractions, I asked Adam to grab my phone so I could call my Mom. With tears in my eyes (the very best kind of tears) I told her the status, how happy I was, and how grateful I was that she was coming...but also wishing she could be there at the hospital. She said she'd be praying for me, and I can't say how much that meant. Then came more contractions. Laying slightly on my side in the hospital bed felt best, gripping Adam’s hand/arm, and continuing to take long, deep breathes….pushing the air through my pursed lips. I had to remember that as each contraction came, each would go…you can do this Haley.

It was just before 7:00am at this point, and Dr. Meek arrived at the door of the room. “I told you,” he said with a wink of his eye. At our appointment the day before, he assured me that even though we had a future date scheduled to break my water, (um, the NEXT day) the baby would come before. I was so grateful he was right. And I was even more grateful my prayers happened to match up with Heavenly Father's plan for our baby.

He checked me and I was at a 9. More progression…more contractions...grateful for both because they were helping my body get this baby here!  At this point my water still hadn't broke.  I did not want to a human super-soaker, which is what would've happened again if it held 'til I was pushing, so my doctor broke my water. And not more than a few seconds after, I felt intense pressure and wanted to bare down. “I think I need to push,” I said. 

Dr. Meek and the two nurses assured me that was good, and to yes, go with that feeling. I pushed with everything I had, trying my best to remember to push “down low” instead of from my head. With my first birth that resulted in some major popping of blood vessels in my forehead, which did. not. feel. good. As Adam stayed by my side, he was my rock, one of the nurses counted to 10 as I pushed, then she’d say, “Breathe! And 10 more!” Oh I was grateful for that, but goodness I forgot how hard it is to push!  I personally felt a mix of frustration and empowerment. “Heavenly Father please give me strength to get this baby out and into my arms!” I thought. Then, more pressure came…and with it another set of pushes. Adam and my doctor encouraged me saying, “You can do it, you're so strong. You can do it!” 

After that second set I said, practically begging, “Can you see the head??!”

“Oh Yes!” was the reply.  Okay…now I wanted to see that head (I have to admit I'm not one to use the mirrors they offer)…come on Haley, be strong. At the end of the third set of pushes our baby’s head came out. (So much respect goes out to women who push for long lengths of time!) 

What an indescribable feeling. “Is the baby out?? Should I push??” (I had done this before, yet I still somehow felt so fresh and new with the experience that I found I was asking lots of questions). “No, no. Hold on!” They sucked out our baby’s nose and mouth and then told me to breathe and get ready for one. more. push. And out our baby came…March 21st at 7:24am…oh the bliss. The most euphoric feeling washed over my entire body...the pressure was gone and our baby was here! Then I heard, “IT’S A GIRL!” And again, Adam said, “IT’S A GIRL!” We had a daughter!! Our Ava was here.

I sat up, and in one quick motion unsnapped the top part of my hospital gown and extended my arms out to her. “I want to hold her.” One of the nurses then replied to my request with something about her needing to be cleaned up first…“I don’t care,” I said. And Dr. Meek put her on my chest…oh she was so tiny, so precious...half Adam, half me.  Fresh from Heaven, what a miracle. Looking at her and looking at Adam was all I could do. My heart was just so happy. I loved her. Oh I loved her. And my heart was already thanking a loving Heavenly Father for letting me watch over her.

Dr. Meek let Adam and I have our sweet, indescribable time with our new daughter. What a spirit she had.

 Then said, “Do you want to cut the cord Adam?” I handed her back to Dr. Meek, and he held her as Adam cut that miraculous, life-giving thread that connected us. Bitter-sweet.

I laid back down. The nurses took her over to be weighed, and Adam followed, staying close to his little girl. I watched, and then was told I needed to push one last time to get the placenta out. Not fun, but it's all part of the gig, and was much easier than the previous pushes.  “She’s the same as Brooks!” Our sweet Ava weighed 7 lbs 10 oz, just like her older brother when he was born. We all had a good little laugh. :) And she was just a half inch shorter, at 20.5 inches.

I wanted to nurse Ava as soon as I could, and the nurses were so sweet to let us take our time and soak up our fresh new daughter, just the three of us. Loved every minute. What a miracle nursing is, and what a precious time it was to bond with my new baby girl.  I was so grateful she latched right on and started drinking away...of course that didn't last too long before she got oh-so sleepy. ;) 

Once we decided she had had a good enough feeding, Adam took our little girl to the nursery where she'd get her first bath.  I stayed in the delivery room (needed to get stitched up because I tore in a few spots, ouch), so I am beyond grateful to Malissa for capturing the next few images. I treasure each one of my tender husband and his baby girl.

They wrapped Ava up, nice and snug, and brought her back to the delivery room just as I was being wheeled to the hospital room we'd be staying in for the next two days. She had been with me, really with me, for the past 40 weeks, so I missed her terribly during that short 30 minutes or so of being apart! To see her again made my heart skip a beat. And it was still sinking in that our sweet babe, previously in my belly, was a girl the whole time...we had a daughter.  

Ava was in a hurry to get here.  Her birth still feels like a miraculous dream to me. No matter how babies arrive, it is always a miracle. I just feel incredibly blessed her birth happened so smoothly. I love being a woman. My body worked hard, and helped get my little girl into my arms. I felt the love of a watchful Heavenly Father the whole time... and now she is here, and she is healthy. Oh I could not be happier. It has just been one day and I've already loved soaking up her warm spirit. Ava has a very calm (or sleepy;) demeanor, and these eyes that capture your heart. And my heart is hers. I may have just met Ava, but I feel like I knew her. People were right when they said that your heart grows with love and makes room for your second (and third, etc.) child.  It's a unique love, just for her. And I know she's going to fit just perfectly into our new family of four.

We love you Ava girl.

** Photo credit to Malissa Mabey Photography