Nursing Ava

"There are three reasons for breast-feeding: the milk is always at the right temperature; it comes in attractive containers; and the cat can't get it." --Irena Chalmers

That quote put a smile on my face so I had to share. ;)

When I was pregnant with Ava I had a paradigm shift with how I felt about nursing. Not about nursing in general, but how I felt about myself nursing, specifically out in public. I just wasn't comfortable the first time around. It may sound odd, but a huge influence for me feeling more comfortable was reading accounts from beautiful women (like Carolee and Chelsea) here in blogland that shared such love and passion for breastfeeding. And before this part of Ava + me nursing comes to an end, I thought I'd share our story, for my personal record and to pay it forward in regard to possibly helping other women embrace breast feeding. It's a lofty goal, but who knows.

As Ava comes up on turning 18 months, it is still so surreal and awesome to me that she's still breastfeeding. I had prayed for us to get to a year, and that milestone came and went. :) I've been so grateful for the chance to bond with Ava this way. We've had our ups and downs in the nursing arena, but over all it's been such a blessing! When I became pregnant with her big brother Brooks I remember planning to nurse him, and I did for a little while. If I close my eyes I can still see his little body in my arms as an infant, asleep in a milk-coma after a good feeding. That was when we were home sweet home, in my rocking chair...if we ever went out I made sure to pump before leaving so that I wouldn't have to nurse in public. I was still so uncomfortable and anxious that someone would see my chest (even with a nursing cover) or I'd make those around me uneasy. I'd get nervous and clumsy and hot...seriously, I'd feel like my temperature was 100 degrees, even when we were at home I'd nurse in my underoos. Haha! So Brooks got used to a bottle pretty quickly. So much so, that he began to prefer the quick and easy flow of the bottle, to my breast -- talk about a cut to my mama heart. Well, my little ladies just couldn't keep up their milk supply with all the pumping and I eventually dried up when he was almost 4 months old, and it was formula from then on. I was so grateful though that Brooks was a happy and healthy baby, whether I nursed him or exclusively fed him formula. 

Along the way of getting pregnant a second time, and then thinking about life with another newborn, I thought about how breastfeeding would go this time around. I decided I was going to do my absolute best to feel more comfortable nursing in public and hopefully keep my milk supply. I even remember praying about it. It's incredible the change my heart and mind went through so that I looked at breast feeding so differently when Ava was born. I think it's normal to feel how I felt the first go around (not 100% comfortable with my body and all the new experiences of motherhood). But with Ava I had a clearer perspective, I just knew my girl had to eat, no matter the place, no matter the time, and no matter who was around.

When she arrived and we started our nursing adventure, it all came back to me just how painful it is. Those first few weeks are killer!! But we kept at it and eventually the feeling of OH-MY-this-is-so-paintful-I-think-I'm-going-to-pass-out went away, and it was good. Just so good. The mind is a powerful thing, and because I was so set on being more comfortable nursing in public, I really was!...I didn't get over heated either, like I did with Brooks. And in regard to people around me, I wore button up shirts a lot at first (easy access for Aves) and made sure to use our light-weight nursing cover (and now I use my Sakura Bloom sling) so the only person seeing my chest and/or my sweet baby girl eat was me, just the way I like it. :)

I used a pump a time or two, hoping Ava would take a bottle so Adam and I could go out on a date, but that little girl only wanted it straight from the source. No matter what though, Adam was so supportive of me nursing Ava. I remember at one point venting to him and expressing that I felt like this nursing gig was ball-and-chain for me. But didn't I pray for this?? Yes, I sure did, and that prayer was answered. It did make date nights a little more tricky, and hopefully our next babe will take a bottle every now and then, but overall I'm so grateful to have had this experience of exclusively breastfeeding Ava.

The feeling of knowing I was her sole source of nourishment as a baby, and a continuing source of comfort as she's entering toddlerhood is beyond wonderful. That girl has my heart. I treasure the memories of Ava's new, tiny body in my arms during the quiet hours of the night, just us. And now her body is so long, her legs hang off my lap, and she'll sometimes take brakes to smile and say, "Hi Mama." I get a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes when I think about not being able to nurse her anymore. And now I'll be praying again about this breastfeeding experience, that Ava will adjust smoothly and know that I still love her more than anything. I'm stopping so that I can do it again...hopefully sooner than later.

Dear Ava,

As of Saturday, we finally kicked a bad bug! The week before was a looong one made of sleepless nights and raw noses from all the kleenex tissues, you are not a fan of those. I'm afraid that it took a little longer for us all to finally get better because you, Brooks, and your Daddy are just too irresistible...I can't stop hugging and kissing and holding you close. But carrying you in your sling is just all around good for us I think, even if germs may be involved when we're sick.

Whether we're out and about, or at home and I'm just trying to get things done, I've held you close in the sling and you're happy. Much of the time I'm paying attention to other things around me, but the other day I soaked in the moments of it being just us. It was so precious watching you as it sank in that we both have the same facial features. Two eyes, two ears, one pair of lips, lots of teeth, one nose..."Ava's nose. Mama's nose." Little one, you have my heart. Your Daddy and I adore you forever.

Love,

Mom

Post Bath Snuggles

Fresh out of the tub, snuggly and silly as ever.

I love those two. So. Much.

Mother's Day 2013

This past Mother's Day was simple and sweet. The best kind I think. Being with my Brooks and Ava, and their Daddy who is my number one supporter in being a Mom, on a gorgeous Sunday was just what I needed. Along with that delicious brunch Adam made for us. :) It was a good day! 

Love at first sight...

My number one, my better half, my very best friend, my forever love is Adam. It didn't take long after we met that I found myself falling head over heels for him...but it was my children that made me a believer in love at first sight. The first time I held Brooks, and two years later little Ava, was beyond incredible. Their tiny bodies and big spirits took my breath away. In each of those moments my heart made room for another person that I would do anything and everything for. Without doing or saying a thing, they stole my heart and gave me a glimpse at just how much my Heavenly Father loves me.  Thinking about it puts butterflies in my stomach and tears in my eyes. The night of March 14th, 2010 and the morning of March 21st, 2012 changed my life and heart forever. With every kiss good night and, "Sweet dreams little one," I have found that I love Brooks and Ava more than the night before. Sure we have our difficult and crazy moments...but easy or hard, I'm grateful I get to spend my days with those two littles. My children make me a better person. I am so blessed to call them mine, and that they call me "Mama." 

They'll always be my little Valentines.

Happy New Year!

We said "Sionara!" to 2012 by clinking spoons as we shared ice cream and laughed at the silly antics of our favorite Sid the sloth while watching 'Ice Age'...just the four of us at home. :) A low key evening that was pretty swell in my book. Adam and I put the kids to bed and then our plans were to go downstairs with some sparkling cider and watch the ball drop at midnight...well, it was just after 11 and we fell asleep in each other's arms, in our clothes, on top of the covers. We're real party animals I tell ya. ;) And it was the neighbor's fireworks at midnight that woke up Ava who then woke me up...I gave Adam a midnight kiss with a groggy, "Happy New Year babe..." and then went into Ava's room to give her a midnight snack and rock her back to sleep. (Goodness how life has changed from just a couple years ago;) With that sweet girl in my arms I thought of how blessed I am to have been partners with her Daddy in this adventure of parenthood this past year. I love being "mama" to Ava and Brooks...and thinking about watching them grow and learn more together this next year gives me the best butterflies. They are in the fore front of my mind in regards to setting goals and improving myself...to be the mom they deserve.

Let's do this 2013. :)

Soaking in...

While Brooks napped, I should have been hanging up and folding the mountain of clothes that's been growing for days...but instead I was soaking in every ounce of my sweet little girl and her snuggles as she examined those chubby little fingers of hers. Now, along with her big brother, she's off in dreamland and I'm going to tackle that laundry. But I thought I'd pass on something a friend of mine shared, a little something she lives by...

"I'd rather be a good mom that a good housekeeper."

Amen Jessica. :)

Dear Ava,

Sweetheart it's your half-birthday tomorrow! Six months ago you were put in my arms for the very first time and each day since I've fallen more in love with you. We've both had our days, but I want you to know I feel beyond blessed to be your Mom. In honor of these sweet six months, I thought I'd tell you six reasons why I absolutely adore you.

1 // I absolutely adore you because you're a mama's girl. There are times when a friend or family member is holding you, crocodile tears begin to fill your eyes, and I want to tell you, "Be brave sweets! They love ya!" And then there are times when holding you in my arms is the only thing that will console you, and I soak it up for all it's worth.

2 // Do you know what else I've been soaking up? A full-night's sleep! So I absolutely adore that you are now a super-sleeper. Keep it up girl. :)

3 // I absolutely adore your laugh. You are very stoic and calm much of the time (temperamental other times, but we won't get into that;) and you play hard to get when strangers try to get you to laugh or smile. But when I nuzzle my face into your chubby neck, and kiss you like it's going out of style, you laugh and laugh and I love it. Another way I get you to laugh is by saying, "Arrrrriba!" over and over (I have no idea where it came from). And it's especially adorable when your brother Brooks joins me to make you laugh harder, and he says, "Adida! Adida!" Haha! He sure loves you too.

4 // I absolutely adore that you look like your Daddy, and that you have both of your Grandpas' gorgeous blue eyes.

5 // I absolutely adore the way you squeeze my cheeks and pull me in for big, wet kisses.

6 // I absolutely adore you for giving me a taste of how my Heavenly Father loves me as His daughter. Ava, your Dad and I are so, so happy that you are ours forever.

Love always,
Mom

PS - These pictures are from last Sunday at your Great-Grandma Kjar's house. Her charming swing with the colorful ribbons was too irresistible...I loved our time swinging together , and I think you did too! What do you say we get a swing like that some day? :)

ever-changing

I have taken more pictures than I can count of my time at various parks with Brooks, and now Ava. It may seem monotonous to some...but this mama sees it as a sweet, nostalgic backdrop for my ever-changing little ones that are in my arms, then in the swings, up and down the slides, and playing in the grass.

Be it cool weather with hot cocoa, or sunny with sidewalk chalk, we love our parks. 

Confessions of a Stay-at-home Mom - Vol. 2

I wrote the following [bolded] text on June 13th, 2012...

Yesterday morning, before Brooks woke up, Adam and I were in our bed oohing and awing over our sweet, smiling Ava. Adam looked at the clock on his dresser and knew he needed to get up and get ready.  I hopped up first to go brush my teeth while he held Ava for another minute...then he brought her into the bathroom and proceeded to hand her to me.  And what did I do?

I said, "Just a minute."

I just wanted a few more minutes of me-time...but I also knew Adam had spent extra time with us in bed and needed to get to work, so I couldn't argue. And as I reluctantly took her into my tired arms I said, "Well you just imagine having another human pretty much connected to your body 23 hours of the day." Yep, those words came out of my mouth. I love my daughter to the moon, so why would I say such a thing?? Well, she's the type of babe that not only likes to be held, but needs to be held, almost all the time.  Adam and I joke about Ava being our little Jekyll and Hyde...one minute you'll see her smiling in her Bumbo seat and it takes all your self-control not to just eat her and her chubby thighs for breakfast; then the next minute she'll pop out her bottom lip and proceed to cry (which sometimes ends in screams with decibels that are probably not good for the human ear) and can only be consoled by being held, nursed, and/or walked around until she falls asleep. And when we try to lay her down once she's asleep, even in a deep sleep, she wakes up. So she either sleeps in my Baby Bjorn during the day, so I can get things done around the house, or is in my arms...night time too.  I'll be the first to admit that I once said, "We'll never co-sleep." Welp, that went out the window. I have found I absolutely love having her tiny body, and sweet baby-smell, next to me all night...it's just that this Mama is beginning to not sleep very well.

Okay, back to my little story about this morning...Adam was getting ready, I took Ava over to the rocking chair to nurse her, and proceeded to get on my phone. I read a blog post that made me smile, yet also stung my mama-heart that had just been so selfish. In the post, this quote was shared:

INTERRUPTIONS

"When you are exasperated by interruptions, try to remember that their very frequency may indicate the value of your life. Only people who are full of help and strength are burdened by other persons' needs. The interruptions which we chafe at are the credentials of our indispensability. The greatest condemnation that anybody could incur -and it is a danger to guard against - is to be so independent, so unhelpful, that nobody ever interrupts us, and we are left comfortably alone."

-Anonymous, from The Anglican Digest

What a beautiful perspective. A reminder I definitely needed today. I've been experiencing these interruptions for over 3 years now. Pregnancy counts in my book, even though I loved just about every minute of my pregnancies, for real. Okay, I'm a walking contradiction.  I pray to God that I'll cherish every bit, the good and the bad, of my children's time being babies...even when they're both needing me at the same time and I'm at the end of my rope and it takes all of my self control not to lock myself in the bathroom for just 5 minutes of me-time.

{ I took this photo on June 13th also }

 I almost forgot about this post I had started just over a month ago.
And as I write this second part, both of my babes are asleep, Brooks in his crib and Ava in her bassinet(!).  That time of Ava being connected to my hip was really just a couple of months...but it sure seemed longer at the time. You definitely learn about yourself when you become a parent, because I have learned I need my space, and that me-time is pretty vital for my sanity. But knowing that  I was giving of myself while wearing her so that she felt secure and loved according to her needs, made it all worth it.

This whole mom-gig is hard. Really hard. I felt like I got the baby-thing down with Brooks...so I was all ready for baby #2! But Ava has turned out to be a totally different species (I'm not just talking the plumbing;) so I've had to start from scratch. And this toddler-business...I'm pretty sure that little side-kick-Brooks of mine has made me laugh on a daily-basis more than anyone. :) Yet, I've also cried countless tears because of him...not that he's made me cry, but because I have felt so overwhelmed with the task of raising a thoughtful, level-headed (oh the meltdowns!), productive, adventurous (I think Brooks has been experiencing some anxiety lately), sharing, obedient (sometimes I think he understands "yes" to be "no", and "no" to be "yes"), and loving boy. Communicating with him is difficult, I know he's way behind in the standard of what a boy his age should be able to say, and that just exaserbates everything.  Thank goodness for a sweet husband who listens to me and literally wipes my tears when I need to just let it all out.

But like that quote said, remembering that when I feel exasperated by interruptions, I need to try to remember that their very frequency may indicate the value of my life.  And in that case, my life is of GREAT value. ;) And before I know it, the tugging at my shirt, the grocery store meltdowns, the middle-of-the-night feedings, and the endless loads of laundry full of tiny clothes will be memories. So for now, I'm going to do my best to be the mother of these children God wants me to be. Not a perfect mother, but a mother who's trying her best.

And I think I'll share a bowl of ice-cream with Brooks when he wakes up from his nap. Because, why not? :)

2 // 2 // 2

It has been 2 months and 2 days that I've been a mother of 2.

...I've witnessed, for the second time, that my heart has grown to deeply love another person, a tiny baby girl who is half Adam and half me, more than I can say.

...I have come to find that 3 people (an adult, toddler, and baby) can manage to fit pretty well on a rocking chair together.

...I have been proud of myself for working through my anxiety of breast feeding while out and about and around other people. As long as they're comfortable, I'm comfortable. :)

...I have seen my sweet husband be the most amazing father. Adam can be wild and crazy with Brooks, and then knows when to change gears and be so tender and calm with Ava. Except when she's hungry and fussy, then he gets a little nervous. ;)

...I learned that it's actually pretty hilarious when, while nursing Ava, my sassy little Brooks managed to swipe one of my Lily Padz and put it on his head like a yamaka. ha!

...I've seen Ava smile more and more every day. Such a beautiful smile that girl has.

...I have learned that if I had three wishes for a magic genie, one of them would definitely be to have more than two arms.

...I have officially become numb to the grossness of diapers. When Ava was still in the tiny newborn diapers, I told Adam, "Hey love, just throwin' it out there...couldn't you say Ava's diapers are 'bite-size' and Brooks' are 'king-size'?" Yow-za.

...I've been so grateful for Brooks' independent spirit that has helped him be okay with doing his own thing when I need to take care of Ava.

...I've been grateful for a hard working husband who's patient and understanding of me. He'll ask how my day was, and sometimes it goes something like this... "Ava cried a lot today, and my back kills because she wouldn't let me put her down. Oh, and Brooks had a melt down at the grocery store's parking lot...don't worry though, another sweet mother I don't know offered him cheez-its and a juice box and he was all sorts of chipper after.  So after a good long nap for all 3 of us, we just watched movies and relaxed the rest of the day. I'm sorry the laundry isn't folded and dinner isn't ready." To which he'll reply, "Let's make some of your awesome turkey avocado sandwiches for dinner, and then I'll rub your back while we watch a movie." My kinda man.

...going on a walk to get some frozen yogurt, while wearing baby Ava in the Moby wrap and pushing Brooks in the stroller, hits the spot. Every. Time.

...my heart continues to melt daily when Brooks wants to hold his little sister. He likes to lay down, then have me lay her next to him, with his arm out and under her head. :)

...taking a long, hot shower (which does not happen very often) has become like 15 glorious minutes in a spa.

...I've learned that in no way, shape, or form are girls guaranteed to be more feminine or dainty. Ava's toots and burps are barbaric. Haha!

...I think that yellow and blue are my favorite colors to put my baby girl in.

...I was more than okay when the other night was just a frozen-pizza-kind-of-night. DiGiorno and Frescetta how I love you.

...I now know that we weren't doing "round 2" of the baby thing...it was "round 1" again.  Ava is so different than Brooks was when he was a new babe...she's not quite as easy, but definitely just as sweet. :)

...I have learned that co-sleeping is okay...and I actually kind of love it.  But within the next week or two we'll be working on her sleeping in her bassinet. Let's hope I, oops I mean she, can do it. ;)

...a sock bun has been on top of my head 5 days of the week.

...my lack of sleep makes me do crazy things. Like answer the door with my baby girl on my right shoulder, exposing my left side that was covered but oh-so obviously not "hooked up"...dang you nursing bra.

...that lack of sleep just mentioned also made me care even less than I would have before that my son, standing next to me when I answered the door, was still in PJs and had jam all over his face, at 3 in the afternoon.

...I've learned even more that it's okay to just cry. Letting go of a few tears, or a whole bunch of tears, can do wonders for my heart and mind.

...I've depended on prayer more than ever...especially in those moments, that happen all too often, when I feel overwhelmed and under qualified.

...getting out and spending time with friends and their little ones on a regular basis is a necessity. I love being able to  see my boy play, and I enjoy good conversation. Win-win!

...comparing myself and trying to measure up to other mothers gets me absolutely no where. Same thing with comparing my children to other little ones. We're all different, and our various strengths and weaknesses compliment each other, just how it should be. :)

{ my sister took these pictures on the first Sunday Ava was home...I'll treasure them forever }

Oh and look what came in the mail today!
A belated Mother's Day gift from my sweetheart...I absolutely LOVE it.
Thank you Adam. I love you, and I'm so glad Brooks and Ava are ours forever.

Heaven is here

These pictures, and 10 more like them, are from yesterday after Brooks woke up from his nap. I should've been doing the dishes and preparing for our dinner guests, but Brooks wanted to lay by his little sister in our bed, and I couldn't help but join them. Brooks and I laughed and laughed (he can be quite the ham) and I just made sure our Ava-sandwich didn't get too squished. ;) Oh how I love those two.

It only lasted a couple minutes.

But it was heaven.

Our little family life at home does not, I repeat, does not solely consist of moments like that.  (Soon after our sweet time on the bed, Brooks had a melt down, and Ava, our super-pooper, had a blowout). But when a really good moment happens, I soak it up for all its worth.

And today, during Ava's feedings, I've absolutely loved reading the words by a woman who also treasures up the sweet moments with her children. My Mom gave me this thoughtful Mother's Day gift...Stephanie Nielson's book, Heaven Is Here.  Being a rather slow reader I'm just to chapter 5, but I already feel inspired by her beautiful spirit and love for her husband and children that just exudes from her writing.  I've followed along and read Stephanie's blog for almost four years. There's no denying that even after her unthinkable trials, she optimistically looks at the future with faith. She appreciates each day she has as a gift, and makes her home a little piece of heaven for her husband and children. Stephanie is superwoman in my eyes. :)

And my Mom is getting arriving Thursday night!! :) We. Can. Barely. Wait.

*****************************************************************************

Spiritual Health:
Reread Neil L. Andersen's General Conference address,"What Thinks Christ of Me?"
"Our journey of discipleship is not a dash around the track, nor is it fully comparable to a lengthy marathon. In truth, it is a lifelong migration toward a more celestial world."  I loved that he used the term "migration"...which I believe generally happens in groups.  And isn't that how this life is?...we need each other, to help and serve each other to be truly happy and to grow closer to Christ.

Mother's Day Weekend

(Photo from Saturday's video chat...we got to "see" Mom/Grandma Stum twice this weekend! :)

This Mother's Day weekend was sweet, and tender. Saturday morning Adam headed to the funeral of one his employees, Tim. It was a rather sudden death, and such a tragic loss. Tim was a man with such a big heart...I've heard numerous times from Adam that, "He'd give you the shirt off his back."  He was always so, so kind to Brooks when we'd come to the dealership, and Adam loved working with him. His passing definitely reminded us to savor every moment together and to not take each other for granted. And it made me even more grateful that our little family is together forever, no matter what happens to us in this life. 

Later that day, Adam said he wanted to take us out to sushi for an early Mother's Day celebration. I thought it was a perfect idea. :) On the way, the sun was shining so bright that I mentioned we should order the sushi to-go and then enjoy it at a park...we had a lovely time to say the least. I love spending time with those three!

Sunday we slept in, and then enjoyed some time just with Ava before sweet Brooks woke up.  Then Adam put on my apron (love him), turned on the iHome and danced with Brooks in the kitchen (Brooks' favorite thing to do as of late), and made us an amazing cinnamon french toast brunch, with fresh parmesan-topped scrambled eggs and cold, juicy watermelon. When we were almost finished we thought we'd have my Mom join us via FaceTime :) and we loved every minute talking to her! After a sweet church meeting (maybe a little sweeter for me holding Ava, while Adam was having a bit of a wrestling match trying to keep Brooks in his seat, thanks love!) we headed to the Kjars for a wonderful evening of delicious food and family-time outside.

Overall, it was a simple but oh-so sweet weekend I never want to forget. :) 

Becoming a mother to my children, right behind becoming a wife to Adam, is the most important and incredible thing that I've ever done in my life. While sometimes I feel like I'm just playing house with my two babes, I do my best not to take this job lightly. I love Brooks & Ava with all of my heart and every part of my soul.  And I'm so grateful to have two incredible examples in my life of women who treat their motherhood with reverence yet with such a passion!!  Adam and I love both our Moms...they are incredible women, and both are loving, motherly-figures to all they come in contact with.  We're so blessed to call them ours.  I am so glad that we have Mother's Day to celebrate them and all they have done and continue to do for us, and our children. Love you both!